Find What Makes You Happy
by aflawedfashion
Summary: Nolan and Irisa wanted to go their separate ways, but the arktech in their brains forced them to be together. Nolan spends a night hiding out with Amanda after the incident, but they all know that Nolan and Irisa need to learn to live together despite the different directions their lives are taking.


"How's your head?" Amanda asked, her eyes searching Nolan's as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"I think it's worse." Nolan closed his eyes, leaning into the sofa in Amanda's living room. "How can it be worse?"

"You just had brain surgery."

"Hrmph."

"You need to relax," Amanda said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"The Tarrs blew up the arch, and my daughter hates me. I can't relax."

"Irisa doesn't hate you," Amanda said. "She just needs some time."

"And the Tarrs?"

"We'll deal with them."

"What they did was treason."

"I know." Amanda's voice was soft, soothing, resigned.

Nolan opened his eyes, turning to face Amanda. "Why aren't you more worried about them?"

"Because they're always doing this shit. They're always trying to ruin my life, and I can't give up everything for them." She looked into his eyes as she rested her hand on his shoulder. "I can worry about them tomorrow. Right now I'm worried about you. You're so much more important to me than their unending bullshit."

"I'm fine."

"You're not."

Nolan forced a pathetic smile on to his face, trying to reassure Amanda that he was okay. "I just need to sleep," he said. He hated to see her worry about him.

"And you're planning to sleep on my sofa aren't you?"

"I can't go home." Nolan took a deep breath. "Irisa wanted to put miles between us. The least I can do is put the street between us."

Amanda nodded in complete understanding. "I'll get some blankets."

"Thank you."

"Any time." She squeezed his hand. "I mean it. If you need anything, you can come to me. I _want_ you to come to me."

Nolan smiled and said, "I love you," forgetting he'd never said those words to her before.

"I love you too," Amanda responded as if was the millionth time she'd told him that.

Irisa marched through the Darby building with confidence, certain that if anyone would know where her father was, it would be Amanda. Unfortunately, Irisa hadn't thought about what to say when she arrived at Amanda's office, hadn't realized how nervous she'd be when standing awkwardly across the room from the mayor. She wished she was better at this kind of thing, but she didn't know how to make that wish a reality, so she stood silently in Amanda's doorway, waiting to be noticed.

"Hey," Amanda said, finally seeing Irisa when she reached for a pen across her desk.

"Hey," Irisa echoed.

"What's up?"

"Nolan didn't come home last night," Irisa said. "I assumed he was with you."

"Right." Amanda set her pen down. "He was." She stood, ushering Irisa into her office. "I'm sorry. I should have called you. I wasn't thinking."

"No, it's ok. He's an adult."

"An adult who just had brain surgery." Amanda poured Irisa a glass of something from the bottom shelf of her liquor cart, something weak enough that Irisa might actually drink it. "Speaking of which, how's your head."

"It's fine."

Amanda chuckled. "Like father like daughter."

"So, he's fine?" Irisa asked before taking a sip of her drink, partly to be polite and partly so she wouldn't have to look Amanda in the eyes. It tasted better than she expected.

"Yeah, he's fine," Amanda said. "I convinced Doc to give him the drugs that would knock him out cold. He needed to sleep."

"Good." Irisa nodded. "That's all I wanted to know." She set her drink down and turned to the door. "I should go."

"Wait," Amanda said, grabbing Irisa's arm. "You need to talk to him."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Talk to him," Amanda commanded as she pulled her keys out of her bag and shoved them in Irisa's hand. "Top floor, first door on the right."

"Is…" Irisa tried to form a sentence, but no words came out. She took a breath and tried again. "Is he mad at me?"

"No, of course not." Amanda gently rubbed Irisa's arm. "He's just giving you space, trying to respect your wishes."

Irisa nodded, summoning the courage to face her father after everything she had said. "Thanks for taking care of him."

"You don't have to thank me for that."

Irisa felt like she was going to be arrested by a security guard at any moment as she slid Amanda's keys into the lock. She didn't belong there, didn't want to be there, but Nolan was there, so she pushed open the door and entered Amanda's apartment, nearly jumping as the door slammed loudly behind her.

"Fuck," she heard Nolan mumble, but she didn't move. At least she had made her presence known without having to speak.

Nolan sat up on the sofa, his back turned towards her as he spoke. "Those drugs Doc gave me are strong." He stretched his arms over his head, speaking through a yawn. "You are not going to believe the dream I ha..." He trailed off as he turned toward Irisa.

"Amanda gave me her keys," Irisa said.

His smile fell. "Hi," he said through a breath.

"You had a dream?"

"I thought you were Amanda."

"I'm not."

Nolan smiled awkwardly, the way he always did when he found himself in a situation he didn't want to be in. "I see that."

"She thinks we should talk."

"Probably should."

Irisa nodded, once again at a loss for words. Her eyes drifted to the art on Amanda's walls. "She has a nice apartment."

"First time in here?"

"Yeah." Irisa stared at the painting above the fireplace, avoiding looking at her father. "Nice artwork."

"She has good taste," Nolan said.

"Not sure about the cat clock though."

"It was Kenya's."

"Oh," Irisa said, her stomach dropping. Talking about dead friends was the last thing they needed to be doing.

"Yeah." Nolan nodded.

Silence hung in the air until Irisa asked, "So you had a dream?"

"It's nothing. Not worth talking about."

"You were going to tell Amanda."

Nolan took a deep breath. "Yeah, I was."

"When did you start telling her things you can't tell me?" Tears stung at the corner of Irisa's eyes, and she hated herself for it.

"Come here." Nolan motioned for Irisa to sit beside him.

"Nolan."

"Sit with me, please," he said, his eyes pleading with her.

"Fine." Irisa sat on the sofa beside Nolan, folding her hands in her lap, not looking into his eyes.

"I'm your father."

"I know that," she said like a snippy teenager. It was too easy to fall into old habits around her father, too tempting to act like a permanent child.

"What I mean is, there have always been things I didn't tell you, and there always will be." Nolan paused. "That's how it's supposed to be. Parents don't tell their children everything."

Irisa met his gaze, and Nolan smiled in response, finally dissipating a bit of the awkward tension in the air.

"And children grow up," Nolan said. " _You_ grew up."

"I'm not sure what that has to do with anything," Irisa said.

"Kiddo, we're not supposed to be attached at the hip forever, but now we're stuck that way, so we have to figure out how to make it work."

"I returned my land coach ticket. I know I have to stay in Defiance now." Irisa looked at her hands. "I can't ask you to leave."

"I have to be here."

"You _want_ to be here."

"I do," Nolan said. "Is that a problem?"

"No. I just wanted you to admit it. The other day, you said you might join me wherever I went, but I knew you were lying."

"I didn't want it to be a lie."

"But it was," Irisa said. "You have a job, and Amanda, and a purpose here that you'll never have in the badlands."

"And I actually like it. Can you believe that?" Nolan shook his head. "I like being lawkeeper."

"Don't tell me you're just figuring that out now." Irisa flashed Nolan a playful smile that quickly fell away as she grew serious again. "You deserve to be happy, but you can't be happy if you're wasting your life following me around."

"And you deserve to be happy too. You deserve it so much more than I do." Nolan wrapped his arm around Irisa's shoulders, pulling her into a hug. "Kiddo, you need to find something that makes you happy."

"I don't know what that is," Irisa said, fighting the urge to cry in his arms. "I'm scared I'm never going to fit in here, that no one's ever going to forgive me."

"They already have."

"Not Berlin," Irisa whispered.

"She'll come around," Nolan said. "She just needs time. We all need time. Everyone in this town is terrified. We're all on edge, but once we get through this battle, it'll be ok. _You'll_ be ok."

"You really believe that?" Irisa asked.

"I do." Nolan pressed a kiss against her hair. "Because I believe in you."

"Thank you."

"Come on," Nolan said, pulling away from their hug. "Let's go get breakfast."

"It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon."

"What?" Nolan furrowed his brow. "Really?"

"Yep." Irisa pointed to the obnoxious cat clock. "You slept all day."

"Early dinner, then. It'll be like the old days, when we'd drive all night, and eat in dive bars in the middle of the day, never living our lives by the clock."

"I like that idea." Irisa smiled, a weight lifted off her shoulders. "Just brush your teeth first."

"Give me five minutes."

"I'll be downstairs," Irisa said. She was about to leave when she turned back to Nolan. "That dream, the one you won't tell me about… it was a sex dream wasn't it?"

"Go." Nolan motioned towards the door. "I'm not telling you that."

Irisa smirked. "I knew it."


End file.
